"MELISSA & JOEY" IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
HOW BLEEPIN' DIFFICULT IS IT FOR YOU PEOPLE
TO FIND A BLEEPIN' PAIR OF SHOES IN THIS BLEEPIN' HOUSE?
ARE ANY OF THESE THEM?
NO. RHONDA... BLUE! OKAY? TRY AGAIN.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
I'M SENSING THERE MAY BE A "BLEEPIN'" PROBLEM IN HERE.
WE'RE AT DEFCON 2. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BLUE PUMPS?
- ME? WHAT WOULD I HAVE DONE WITH YOUR SHOES? - YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GOES AROUND
PICKING THINGS UP AND PUTTING THEM AWAY.
YES. I INTENTIONALLY LIKE HIDING YOUR FOOTWEAR
SO THAT YOU HAVE THE PLEASURE OF SEARCHING FOR IT
SO THAT EVERY DAY FEELS LIKE EASTER SUNDAY.
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING ALL DRESSED UP FOR ANYWAY
IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO A CITY COUNCIL MEETING?
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE LIKE TO SEE THEIR ELECTED OFFICIALS
TAKING GOVERNMENT MATTERS SERIOUSLY.
AND NOTHING SAYS "SERIOUS" LIKE HIGH HEELS AND A PLUNGING NECKLINE.
WHATEVER YOU SAY.
GO! LOOK. FIND.
YOU KNOW WHAT? A "PLEASE" WOULDN'T HURT.
- PLEASE. - OUCH.
THANKS. COULDN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU.
HE'S SO SENSITIVE SOMETIMES.
WE ARE GONNA BE LATE TO THE TRANSPORTATION HEARING.
OH, WE'RE DITCHING IT. YEAH, JUST THIS ONCE.
I THOUGHT YOU AND I COULD CHECK OUT THAT NEW BAR
WE KEEP SAYING WE'RE GONNA HIT AND NEVER DO.
OOH, I WAS THERE LAST NIGHT. IT WAS CRAZY HOT.
BUT SO LONELY WITHOUT YOU.
LOOK, I SPEND ALL DAY AT MY JOB... THAT I LOVE...
THEN I COME HOME TO THESE FREAKIN' KIDS... THAT I LOVE...
BUT I JUST NEED A LITTLE ME TIME, YOU KNOW?
A LITTLE SELF-LOVE.
- I DON'T MEAN IT THAT WAY. - OKAY.
LET'S FIND YOUR SHOES AND HIT THE BAR. FIRST ROUND'S ON ME.
OH HEY, UM, NOBODY CAN KNOW, OKAY?
I JUST DON'T WANT JUDGEY LOOKS FROM THE KIDS AND JOE.
Joe: I THINK I FOUND 'EM.
BECAUSE... THAT'S WHY THIS TRANSPORTATION HEARING IS SO VITAL.
- MMM. - HEY, JOE.
SORRY. I USUALLY PUT THESE BACK AFTER I WEAR THEM.
WOW. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FIND ANYTHING IN HERE.
IT'S LIKE BEING INSIDE A WOMAN'S MIND.
IF THIS WERE MY MIND, IT WOULD BE PARIS.
AND YOU WOULD BE AN UNLIMITED CREDIT CARD.
YOU KNOW, I DO HAVE A SYSTEM HERE.
YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULD GET ONE OF THOSE CLOSET COMPANIES
TO COME IN HERE AND REORGANIZE EVERYTHING.
WHAT? THAT'S A HUGE WASTE OF MONEY. I COULD DO THAT.
- THAT COULD WORK. - I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER LET A MAN MESS AROUND IN MY CLOSET.
A WOMAN'S CLOSET IS HER MOST SACRED, INTIMATE, PERSONAL SPACE.
YOU KNOW, WE HAD THIS PIZZA A WEEK AGO.
FINE. HAVE AT IT. WORK YOUR MAGIC.
GREAT. I WILL GET STARTED RIGHT AWAY.
OH, AND BEFORE I DO, IF THERE'S ANY SPECIFIC PERSONAL ITEMS,
YOU MAY WANT TO RELOCATE THEM PRIOR TO...
OH YES! OH.
- ( laughs ) - ( clattering )
♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪
♪ WITH ME ♪
HOW ABOUT "FLESHEATERS 2: MORE FLESH EATING"?
I DON'T KNOW, MAN. I NEVER SAW "FLESHEATERS 1."
I HATE NOT KNOWING WHAT'S GOING ON.
WELL, THEY'RE FLESHEATERS AND THEY EAT FLESH.
I'M ALL CAUGHT UP THEN.
WELL, HAVE A GOOD NIGHT. DON'T WAIT UP.
THESE TRANSPORTATION HEARINGS CAN TAKE FOREVER.
BUT THAT'S MY JOB, SO WHOO!
OH HEY. IS IT OKAY IF I MEET JUSTIN AT THE MALL TOMORROW?
SURE. HAVE FUN.
- ALL RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT. - YO, MEL!
DON'T WE WANT TO KNOW WHO THIS JUSTIN GUY IS?
YES. YES WE DO.
- SOME GUY. - JUST SOME DROPPED-OUT-OF-SCHOOL GUY.
- WHAT? - HE DID NOT DROP OUT.
HE FLUNKED SENIOR YEAR AND DECIDED TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS CAR.
WHO NEEDS AN EDUCATION? IT JUST LEADS TO A FUTURE.
IT'S LAME.
OKAY, NOT EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD NEEDS A HIGH-SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
JUSTIN ALREADY HAS A JOB.
YEAH, DELIVERING PIZZA.
OH, DID HE DELIVER YOUR FACE?
OKAY OKAY, FINE. MALL... JUST THE MALL. I GOTTA GO.
HEY!
JUST REAL FAST. UM...
DROPPED-OUT PIZZA-DELIVER-BOY... HOW DO WE FEEL ABOUT THAT?
IT'S JUST A LITTLE CRUSH.
IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S HOOKING UP WITH CHARLES MANSON... OR SHEEN.
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, 'CAUSE BOTH THOSE GUYS ACTUALLY FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL.
UM, I'M JUST SAYING THAT BAD BOYS ARE USUALLY CALLED BAD BOYS
FOR, YOU KNOW, A REASON.
JOE, IT'S A MALL. THEY CAN'T HAVE SEX THERE...
NOT EVEN AT BROOKSTONE, OKAY?
NOW PLEASE LET ME GET OUT OF HERE...
BECAUSE I HAVE CITIZENS WAITING TO YELL AT ME.
THANKS AGAIN FOR THE STOCK TIP. THAT WAS JUST SO...
TEDIOUS.
OH, WHAT A BUST.
I WONDER IF I CAN CATCH THE END OF THAT TRANSPORTATION HEARING.
THERE'S STILL A LOT OF MEN WITH HAIR HERE.
CHECK THOSE GUYS OUT.
PLEASE, "LAWYERPALOOZA"?
THERE'S NOTHING SEXY ABOUT BORING SUITS WITH A BLACKBERRY.
OH, BUT ON YOU IT'S ADORABLE.
YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD THIS ALL NIGHT,
BUT THOSE ARE SOME ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT SHOES.
- AND THEY MATCH YOUR EYES. - REALLY?
REALLY?
FIRST THING I NOTICED WHEN I WALKED IN HERE.
WELL, THAT AND YOUR SMILE.
REALLY?
NOW LET ME GUESS... I'M VERY GOOD AT THIS.
YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY A PILATES INSTRUCTOR.
AND YOU'RE A PRINCESS OF SOME KIND. HOW'D I DO?
YOU'RE DOING GREAT.
- WHAT ARE YOU LADIES DRINKING? - SURPRISE ME.
- VODKA ROCKS. - YES IT DOES.
- BACK IN A JIFF. - YUM!
SHOW SOME DIGNITY. I'LL WRESTLE YOU FOR HIM.
RHONDA, YOU'RE MY FRIEND; YOU'RE MY RIGHT-HAND WOMAN.
WE'RE NOT GONNA FIGHT OVER A GUY. YOU'RE FIRED.
THAT'S GONNA BE $12.
OH, YOU'RE THE BARTENDER... TENDING BAR.
WELL, I ONLY DO THIS ON THE NIGHTS WHEN I'M NOT PLAYING GUITAR.
OKAY, LET'S WRESTLE. MUD, OIL OR JELL-O?
ENGLISH MUFFIN'S ALL YOURS.
I LIKE 'EM TALL, DARK, AND NECK-DEEP IN LAW-SCHOOL DEBT.
HEY, NICE BLACKBERRY.
SO WHAT'S YOUR STORY, PRINCESS? I CAN'T IMAGINE YOU'RE A LAWYER.
NO, I WORK FOR THE CITY.
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT A COP, BECAUSE I KIND OF HAVE A SPEEDING PROBLEM.
WELL, I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST.
WOW, LOOK AT THAT SCAR.
YOU MUST HAVE REALLY SCREWED UP SOME GUY'S DRINK ORDER.
NO, I LEARNED THE HARD WAY, IF YOU'RE GONNA PARASAIL,
DON'T DO IT IN SHARK-INFESTED WATER.
I JUST SPENT HALF AN HOUR HITTING ON A GUY
BEFORE I REALIZED I ALREADY DATED AND DUMPED HIM A YEAR AGO.
IT'S REALLY HARD TO TELL THEM APART IN THOSE SUITS.
YOU REALLY HAVE TO START A TAG-AND-RELEASE PROGRAM.
THAT'S IT... TIME TO HEAD HOME.
OH WAIT, YOU'RE MY RIDE. CAN YOU JUST HANG OUT A FEW MORE MINUTES?
BUT IF WE LEAVE NOW, I STILL HAVE TIME TO WATCH A RERUN OF "SEX AND THE CITY"
WHILE CRYING BITTERLY TO MY CAT.
BUT HE'S A GUITAR PLAYER WHO SWIMS WITH SHARKS.
UH, I CAN GIVE YOU A LIFT...
IF YOU DON'T MIND RIDING ON THE BACK OF A HARLEY.
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
( opera playing )
I LIKE RHONDA'S NEW BIKE.
AH, THANKS FOR TAKING THE SCENIC ROUTE HOME.
ISN'T THE RIVER BEAUTIFUL AT NIGHT?
I VOTED TO CLEAN IT UP.
HI. I'M JOE.
HELLO, MATE. I'M DYLAN.
- HEY. - DYLAN IS MY NEW FRIEND
THAT I JUST BEFRIENDED.
OH, AT THE TRANSPORTATION HEARING?
YEAH, TONIGHT'S TOPIC WAS ABOUT CARPOOLING
AND MOTORCYCLE-POOLING.
AMAZING.
YEAH, SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW SOMEONE WOULD BE WAITING UP.
NO WORRIES. I'M FAMILIAR WITH OPEN RELATIONSHIPS.
OH GOD NO, WE DON'T HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP.
NO, WE DON'T HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP.
WELL, WE HAVE A WORKING RELATIONSHIP... I'M HIS BOSS.
- TECHNICALLY I'M FREELANCE. - HE'S MY NANNY.
IT'S A VERY TEMPORARY SITUATION ACTUALLY.
I HEAR YA.
I'M ONLY BARTENDING TILL MY MUSIC CAREER KICKS IN.
I'M A SINGER/SONGWRITER.
OF COURSE HE IS.
HOW LONG YOU BEEN A BARTENDER?
UH, IN APRIL, THAT'LL BE 12 YEARS.
KINDA HARD TO QUIT. LADIES LOVE A BARTENDER.
YEAH. I'M SURE BONO IS JUST BIDING HIS TIME TILL HE GETS YOUR JOB.
WELL, I BETTER HIT THE TRAIL.
ABSOLUTELY. 'CAUSE THAT... THAT TRAIL NEEDS SOME HITTING.
OH, ALMOST FORGOT...
WOW. THE ONLY THING THAT COULD HAVE MADE THAT HOTTER
IS IF MY NANNY WEREN'T WATCHING.
( engine starts )
WELL, GOOD NIGHT.
SO THAT WAS DYLAN, HUH?
YES IT WAS...
DYLAN McENGLAND.
WAS THERE EVEN A HEARING AT ALL TONIGHT?
THERE WAS A HEARING. I JUST DIDN'T GO TO IT.
I GET IT, YOU KNOW? YOU SPEND ALL YOUR FREE TIME
TAKING CARE OF THESE KIDS. YOU NEED TO BLOW OFF A LITTLE BIT OF STEAM.
I'M NOT YOUR DAD, YOU KNOW? YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT.
I CERTAINLY CAN DO WHAT I WANT,
YOU KNOW, WITHOUT BEING JUDGED BY MY NANNY-PERSON-WAITER-UPPER GUY.
I'M NOT JUDGING YOU.
HE'S JUST NOT WHAT I PICTURED AS MEL BURKE-BOYFRIEND MATERIAL.
- THAT'S ALL. - OH, YOU SPEND A LOT OF TIME PICTURING THAT, DO YOU?
UH, NO NO. IT'S JUST THAT WHEN I DO,
I IMAGINE SOMEBODY THAT'S, YOU KNOW,
SPECIFICALLY JUST A LITTLE MORE...
JUST NOT HIM.
YEAH, WELL, HE'S NOT YOUR BUSINESS, JOE.
OKAY? I DON'T NEED YOU ALL UP IN MY PERSONAL LIFE.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
OH YEAH, I GOT THOSE DIVIDERS FOR YOUR BRA DRAWER WE TALKED ABOUT.
- OH THANK YOU! - YEAH OKAY.
HEY MEL, DID YOU EVER READ "MOBY DICK"?
OF COURSE I DID. WELL, I MEAN I READ THE CLIFF'S NOTES...
WELL, I SAW THE MOVIE... PART OF THE MOVIE.
HEY, I SAW "JAWS"!
WHOA WHOA WHOA, YOU BETTER JUST BE TAKING THOSE OUTSIDE FOR SOME FRESH AIR.
I'M TAKING THESE BABIES TO GOODWILL ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL.
OH, THIS IS THE SKIRT THAT GOT ME BACKSTAGE AT THE 'N SYNC CONCERT.
AND I... NEVER MIND.
OH, I WANT TO KEEP THIS...
AND THIS. AND THIS!
WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA WEAR ANY OF THOSE.
BUT I STILL WANT THEM. THEY'RE LIKE MUSEUM PIECES.
WHAT MUSEUM? THE "SLUTSONIAN"?
( laughs )
AHEM!
WHOA, THAT MOBY DICK IS ONE CRAZY WHALE.
WOW. AWESOME SKIRT.
- SEE? - IT'S SO ANCIENT, IT'S RETRO.
WELL, LOOK AT THAT, BURKE. IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE YOU'VE BEEN COOL,
IT'S FINALLY COMING BACK AROUND AND YOU'RE COOL AGAIN.
I GET IT, I GET IT.
CAN I BORROW THIS SATURDAY NIGHT?
A BUNCH OF US ARE GOING TO HANG OUT AT JUSTIN'S.
SURE.
OH WAIT! UH, WAIT.
UH, JUSTIN'S HOUSE? THERE'S GONNA BE SUPERVISION THERE, RIGHT?
THERE'S GOING TO BE ADULTS THERE.
DEFINE "ADULTS."
YOU KNOW, THE PEOPLE WHO CAN BUY BEER.
OKAY, AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING PARENTAL, WHERE ARE HIS PARENTS?
JUSTIN DOESN'T NEED PARENTS.
HE'S MATURE ENOUGH TO HAVE HIS OWN PLACE.
WELL, THEN HE'S TOO MATURE FOR YOU.
BUT I REALLY LIKE HIM.
- OF COURSE YOU LIKE HIM. HE'S A... - BAD BOY.
YEAH, HE'S A BAD BOY... HE'S COOL; HE'S DANGEROUS.
LET ME TELL YOU, HE WON'T LOOK SO COOL IN BETWEEN CONTRACTIONS
- IN THE MATERNITY WARD. - YEAH, 'CAUSE THAT'S JUST WHAT'LL HAPPEN
FROM ONE LITTLE PARTY STRAIGHT TO THE DELIVERY ROOM.
HEY, MAYBE ON THE WAY THERE, I CAN ROB A BANK TO SUPPORT MY METH HABIT.
SUDDENLY MY "C" IN SPANISH DOESN'T LOOK SO BAD.
ZAPATOS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE GOT A "C."
HEY, I HANDLED THAT LENNOX THING PRETTY WELL, DON'T YOU THINK?
SURE. YEAH SURE.
WHOA, WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SURE"?
THERE'S A "BUT" COMING, ISN'T THERE? I CAN SEE A "BUT" IN YOUR FACE.
- YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? - YEAH I DO.
I DON'T THINK YOU DO, BUT I'M GONNA TELL YOU ANYWAY.
LET'S JUST FORGET THE FACT THAT YOU JUST CAME DOWN
ON YOUR NIECE FOR DATING A BAD BOY,
WHICH IS EXACTLY THE SAME THING YOU'RE DOING. THAT'S IRRELEVANT.
BESIDES THAT, I JUST THINK THAT...
YOU KNOW, YOU DESERVE A LOT BETTER. THAT'S ALL.
THAT WAS OUT OF LINE. I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT.
I APOLOGIZE.
I GOT NOTHING LEFT TO SAY. I JUST FORGOT MY KEYS.
ZAPATOS.
WOW. I THOUGHT THE RESTAURANT WAS GOOD.
ELO'S IS AWESOME. MY MANAGER RECOMMENDED IT.
OH, YOU ALREADY HAVE A MANAGER? EXCELLENT.
YEAH WELL, RIGHT NOW HE'S MY BARISTA.
BUT AS SOON AS I HIT, I'M TOTALLY MAKING HIM MY MANAGER.
HEY, IT'S YOU.
THAT'S MY ALBUM COVER.
OH, WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE ALBUM? MAYBE I'VE HEARD IT.
IT ISN'T FINISHED YET. BUT IT ALL STARTS WITH THE POSTER.
AND THIS IS GONNA BE MY FIRST SINGLE.
♪ YOU AND YOUR EYES SO BRIGHT ♪
♪ BRIGHT BRIGHT ♪
♪ LAUGHING SMILE LIGHTS UP THE NIGHT ♪
♪ NIGHT NIGHT ♪
♪ AND YOU YOU YOU ♪
♪ MAKE ME FEEL SO... ♪
FEEL SO WHAT?
OH, THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT.
IT'S KIND OF HARD TO FINISH 'CAUSE...
'CAUSE WHAT?
WELL, I HAVE A HARD TIME...
- FINISHING STUFF? - YEAH.
UM, YOU KNOW, I THINK WE WERE IN A BETTER PLACE WITH THE KISSING THING.
ABSOLUTELY. LET'S GET RIGHT ON THAT.
OH! OH, I'M SORRY.
OH NO, MY COMPLEX FILING SYSTEM.
HEY, THESE ARE PARKING TICKETS AND BILLS
AND THEY'RE NOT OPENED.
WHAT CAN I SAY? THEY'RE ALL JUST SO DEPRESSING.
MEL?
THE ONLY THING I WANT TO PAY RIGHT NOW IS ATTENTION...
TO YOU.
OKAY, THAT WAS CUTE.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE THREE UNPAID PARKING VIOLATIONS,
THE OHIO BUREAU OF MOTOR VEHICLES WILL PUT A BLOCK ON YOUR REGISTRATION.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I REGISTER MY BIKE IN MY COUSIN'S NAME.
THAT WAY I NEVER HAVE TO DO JURY DUTY.
DYLAN, OKAY, IF YOU'RE AN AMERICAN CITIZEN...
WHICH I AM. YEAH. THREE YEARS NOW.
"YANKEE DOODLE" AND ALL THAT.
WELL, THEN SERVING ON A JURY IS ONE OF YOUR MOST IMPORTANT RESPONSIBILITIES.
MMM, JURY DUTY. I DON'T THINK I COULD SIT STILL FOR THAT LONG.
OKAY LOOK, DYLAN, I LIKE YOU.
YOU'RE VERY SWEET AND YOU OBVIOUSLY WORK OUT A LOT.
BUT I HAVE TO BE HONEST...
I JUST DON'T SEE THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING ANYWHERE.
( sighs )
WELL, YOU FINALLY FINISHED ONE THING.
ALL RIGHT, SO HERE'S WHAT I'VE GOT SO FAR...
WE'VE GOT SNAG-PROOF SWEATER STORAGE HERE;
OFF-SEASON CLOTHING HERE;
OH, AND I EVEN ROUGHED OUT A LITTLE SECTION EXCLUSIVELY FOR YOUR UGGS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW ONE PERSON WITH ONLY TWO FEET COULD HAVE SO MANY UGGS,
BUT REGARDLESS, IT'S AN UGG-SPECIFIC ZONE.
WELL, MY UGGS AND I THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, A CLOSET SAYS A LOT ABOUT A PERSON.
IT'S KIND OF A REFLECTION OF ONE'S LIFE...
YOU KNOW, LIKE, WHO YOU CHOOSE AS A BOYFRIEND.
WELL, MAYBE YOU COULD ROUGH OUT A LITTLE SPACE
FOR MY PERSONAL BOUNDARIES.
YEAH SURE, OKAY. I'M JUST GONNA TAKE DOWN YOUR DRAWERS...
AND PAINT THEM OUT ON THE DRIVEWAY.
LISTEN, ABOUT THE OTHER THING,
UM, YOU KNOW, YOU WERE KINDA RIGHT.
I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT?
ABOUT DYLAN... YOU WERE RIGHT.
I WAS SUCKED IN BY ALL THE BAD-BOY ACCOUTREMENTS, YOU KNOW?
THE BODY, THE BIKE, THE ACCENT, THE BODY.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THERE WAS NOTHING THERE.
SO I SAID GOODBYE.
YOU CAME HOME AT 4:00 A.M.
YEAH, IT WAS A LONG GOODBYE.
YOU KNOW, 10 YEARS AGO, DYLAN WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECT FOR ME.
BUT BY THE TIME YOU REACH 30, YOU NEED A BETTER REASON TO DATE A GUY
THAN, "DID YOU HEAR HIM TALK? HE SOUNDS JUST LIKE DAVID BECKHAM."
( door slams )
OOH, ANGRY DOOR-SLAMMING. LENNOX IS UP.
HEY, LENNOX.
OH GOD, WE AREN'T GOING TO TALK, ARE WE?
LOOK, I DON'T LIKE COMING DOWN ON YOU SO HARD,
BUT I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW,
I UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S SO EASY TO FALL FOR A BAD BOY LIKE JUSTIN,
BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, WOULDN'T YOU KNOW,
I'VE BEEN DOING THE VERY SAME THING.
HERE'S MINE.
WOW. HE'S HOT.
DOES HE HAVE A FACE?
OH SORRY.
OH, NOT THAT ONE. OH NO.
OH THERE. THERE, THAT'S DYLAN.
MAN, HE'S SMOKIN'.
YEAH, BUT THERE WAS NOTHING BEYOND THAT.
SO I ENDED IT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT EASY TO SAY GOODBYE TO SOMETHING THAT'S FUN AND DANGEROUS,
BUT ULTIMATELY, THOSE RELATIONSHIPS ARE JUST DEAD ENDS.
DO YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING?
YEAH, I GET IT...
BAD BOYS BAD; VIRGINITY GOOD.
THAT'S IT.
NOW JUST REPEAT THAT UNTIL YOU'RE 30.
( phone twittering )
JUSTIN, HEY.
YOU JUST DROPPED ME OFF.
YEAH, I KNOW, I MISS YOU TOO.
BUT DON'T BE CLINGY. NOBODY LIKES THAT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. MY AUNT'S SOUND ASLEEP IN BED RIGHT NOW.
OR STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
- ( phone beeps ) - WHERE DO WE START HERE, LENNOX?
CURFEW VIOLATION, BALD-FACED LYING?
OH MY GOD, IS THAT MY SKIRT?
YEAH, IT MAKES A CUTE BELT, RIGHT?
YEAH, I LIKE HOW YOU DID THAT WITH THE... WAIT, STOP!
LOOK, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SNUCK OUT TO SEE JUSTIN
WHEN I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NOT TO.
- BUT AUNT MEL... - DON'T "BUT AUNT MEL" ME!
OH MY GOD, I SOUNDED LIKE MY MOTHER JUST THEN.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST TALK ABOUT THIS IN THE MORNING.
GO. GO GO.
THE COAST IS CLEAR.
GO GO. WAIT.
WELL, LOOK WHO'S BACK.
- ALL RIGHT, JOE? - DYLAN.
AH, HE WAS JUST LEAVING. I... I MEANT TO TELL HIM GOODBYE.
I MEAN, I REALLY MEANT TO TELL HIM GOODBYE,
BUT SOMEHOW GOODBYE TURNED INTO "HEY, COME OVER."
SO ANYWAY, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO TELL HIM GOODBYE AGAIN.
THIS IS GOODBYE?
YEAH. LOOK, DYLAN, I THINK THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS
IT'S JUST NOT GONNA WORK OUT BETWEEN US.
OH, THIS SPEECH AGAIN.
THIS TIME I MEAN IT.
HEY, AUNT MEL, HERE'S YOUR...
- WELL, HELLO. - HOW YOU DOIN'?
HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND DYLAN... McLOVIN'?
OH YEAH, I ALMOST DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU WITH YOUR SHIRT ON.
LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S LATE.
AND I THINK IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE TO JUST GO TO BED... ALONE.
AND THINK VERY HARD ABOUT THE EVENTS THAT HAVE TRANSPIRED HERE TODAY
AND THEN FORGET ABOUT THEM ENTIRELY.
HEY MEL, CALL ME IF YOU EVER WANT TO SAY GOODBYE AGAIN.
UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU TELL ME THAT BOY BOYS ARE OFF LIMITS, YET YOU'RE HIDING ONE IN YOUR BEDROOM?
IT'S GOING SO GREAT. JUST BRING IT HOME.
OKAY... OKAY, HERE'S THE THING...
THERE'S A DOUBLE STANDARD.
I CAN DO THINGS AT 32 THAT YOU SHOULDN'T DO AT 15.
I KNOW BECAUSE I DID THEM.
YOU SAW MY CLOTHES.
THAT'S NOT FAIR. HOW COME I CAN'T DO THOSE THINGS?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET HURT.
THE ONLY REASON I DID THOSE THINGS WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE
WAS BECAUSE THERE WAS NO ONE AROUND WHO CARED ENOUGH TO TELL ME NO.
OH! YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE.
AND I'M KEEPING YOUR SKIRT.
SHE'S VERY UNHAPPY WITH YOU.
- ( door slams ) - WELL, THAT'S THE JOB, RIGHT?
IF YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT.
- THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME.
- BUT, UM... - THERE'S ALWAYS A "BUT" WITH YOU.
NO, IT'S JUST THAT
YOU SAID YOU WERE THROUGH WITH THE BAD BOYS.
I AM. I MEAN, I TOTALLY GET IT UP HERE.
IT'S JUST TAKING A WHILE TO WORK ITS WAY DOWN.
'NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
- HEY, JOE? - YES?
THANKS FOR TELLING ME NO.
ANYTIME.
JOE, IT'S AMAZING. I MEAN, THANK YOU.
I COULD NEVER HAVE DONE THIS BY MYSELF.
OBVIOUSLY. OH, AND CHECK OUT THIS.
YOU READY?
YEAH, BABY.
- MY BAGS! - YEP.
AND THEY ARE IN RAINBOW ORDER.
OH, THAT IS SO OBSESSIVELY
COMPULSIVELY WONDERFUL.
OH, AND ONE LAST THING.
HERE YOU GO.
WHAT IS THIS? MY OLD CLOTHES!
MY FAVORITES. YOU DIDN'T THROW THEM OUT.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE SAYING THERE'S NONE OF THAT WILD PARTY GIRL LEFT.
SO I MANAGED TO FIT ALL YOUR ADULT RESPONSIBLE CLOTHING IN HERE
AND STILL KEEP SOME OF THOSE TRASHY THINGS
THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER WEAR AGAIN IN PUBLIC.
I CAN WEAR THIS AGAIN.
NO.
WELL...
OH, THIS IS WHAT I WORE TO MY PROM.
OH, STILL SMELLS LIKE WHISKEY SOURS, C.K. ONE AND A BARN FLOOR.
WELL, OUR PROM THEME WAS "NIGHT AT THE RODEO."
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE NOT GONNA THROW THIS OUT; WE'RE GONNA BURY THIS.
( theme music playing )